Gator Blog
UNSOLICITED INFORMATION, with LOVE
Advice no one asked for—shared with a whole lot of heart.
For families and caregivers loving someone with an intellectual or developmental disability.
Setting Boundaries this Holiday Season
Holidays & Boundaries
Throughout my time working with individuals who have intellectual or developmental disabilities, I have encountered uncomfortable and even potentially dangerous social situations. Most often these situations have to do with the lack of intentionally teaching about boundaries!
Recently, a 30 year old man with Down syndrome had the opportunity to engage with a group of adolescent teen girls who were volunteering at an event he was attending. One of the girls caught his eye. He wanted a hug and selfie with the girl. She appeared uncomfortable with denying this but also was not sure about the request. Staff who work with the man saw and heard him sharing the photo with others as he stated that the pair were in love and going to be married. The staff used the opportunity to discuss boundaries, expectations and legal considerations.
A precious young girl with a developmental disability was encouraged to hug most people she met. She enjoyed the positive reinforcement she received from the physical touches. As she became an adolescent, she began to develop a different interest in teen boys and young men and the hugs became problematic. In addition, rather than learning hugs were not mandatory, she believed physical touch was something everyone shared in every situation.
When I encounter people with disabilities, I frequently redirect physical affection. I believe this is a teachable moment. Rather than allowing a hug from someone I might not know well, I may put up my hand to give a knuckle-bump. I may explain simply that since we just met, a handshake is more appropriate. A few weeks ago, when a student told me that he loved me and wanted to give me a kiss, I reminded him that two people who are in our relationship level (educator and student) do not have that type of emotional and physical interaction. I helped him process that just because someone is kind and spends time with him does not equal romantic love. I further explained my feelings for him. We agreed that we really liked each other and that high fives would be appropriate in our relationship.
The holiday season brings joy, celebrations, and social gatherings, but it can also be overwhelming, especially for individuals with developmental or intellectual disabilities. Establishing clear boundaries is essential for safety, comfort, and positive social experiences.
Why do boundaries matter?
- Safety and Well-Being: Boundaries help navigate crowds, new experiences, and sensory challenges safely. Clear limits reduce accidents, overstimulation, or frustration.
- Emotional Regulation: Disrupted routines and busy environments can be stressful. Consistent rules help manage anxiety, frustration, and emotional outbursts.
- Social Skills Development: Boundaries teach respect, turn-taking, personal space, and appropriate responses—skills vital for interacting with others.
- Consistency and Predictability: Even during festive events, predictable expectations provide comfort, reduce stress, and help people feel secure.
- Independence and Self-Advocacy: Boundaries give individuals the tools to recognize limits, make safe choices, and advocate for themselves.
In addition to teaching individuals how to set boundaries, it is also important to be intentional in teaching the importance of respecting the boundaries of others, as well as the fact that there are implied social boundaries.
- Respect Personal Space: Adults should understand appropriate physical boundaries when interacting with children—no hugging, touching, or guiding without permission.
- Follow Adult Guidance: Children’s caregivers and staff set the rules for interactions. Adults with special needs should follow these instructions consistently to ensure safety.
- Communicate Clearly: Adults should use respectful language, ask permission before engaging, and avoid behaviors that could be confusing or unsafe for children.
- Model Positive Behavior: By respecting boundaries themselves, adults teach children appropriate social behavior and reinforce safety and respect.
Practical Tips for the Holidays
- Set Clear Expectations in Advance: Review routines, behavioral rules, and social boundaries with both children and adults.
- Start Early with Simple Concepts: Teach the difference between “okay touch” (high fives, handshakes, hugs if both want it) and “not okay touch” (grabbing, hitting, or unwanted hugs). Use clear, consistent language: “Your body belongs to you.”
- Use Visual Supports: Social stories, charts, or cue cards help reinforce understanding of rules.
- Model boundaries in Everyday Life: Show how to say “no” politely but firmly. Before hugging, touching, kissing or tickling, ask for permission.
- Role-Play Scenarios: Practice greetings, asking permission, and respecting personal space.
- Offer Choices Within Limits: Both children and adults benefit from structured opportunities to make decisions safely.
- Plan for Breaks: Quiet spaces allow everyone to decompress from stimulation.
- Praise Positive Behavior: Reinforce adherence to boundaries with encouragement or recognition.
- Collaborate with Others: Talk with family members and friends to explain how they can help with the process. Share your child’s boundary strategies with teachers, caregivers, and family.